


A Spurious Sadness

by B Snicket (Turdle)



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler, Series of Unfortunate Events - Lemony Snicket
Genre: Alternate History, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Victorian, Arson, Canon - Manga, Canonical Character Death, Crimes & Criminals, Crossover, Gen, Gothic, Murder, Nobility, Orphans, Tragedy, Victorian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-14
Updated: 2012-11-14
Packaged: 2017-11-18 15:30:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/562592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Turdle/pseuds/B%20Snicket
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dear Reader, it is best not to bother with the macabre moments depicted within this work. The tale regarding the Baudelaire Orphan's unhappy misfortune of surviving their home's house fire, and two men scheming did about it is certainly not worth the depression it will bring. One is better suited to moving right along, and finding a delicious cupcake to consume blissfully unaware of the dark details instead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Spurious Sadness

**Author's Note:**

> > “One can survive everything nowadays except death.” 
> 
> \- Oscar Wilde
>
>> “The V.F.D. has a vast collection of secret codes, for every different sort of occasion imaginable. While large portions of their codes are a complete mystery, others are found at such a high frequency amongst salvageable V.F.D. documents that it is clear they are less secret, and more of a second language of greeting and conversation, letting one member know another is listening, or even carrying out something of importance right then. 
>> 
>> For example, the V.F.D.’s motto “The world is quiet here.” is to be said in response to the phrase, “I didn’t realize this was a sad occasion.” This in and of itself does not convey anything but the presence of two members. During recruitment, the phrase to be uttered is, “If there’s nothing out there, then what was that noise?”
>> 
>> However, problematically, it would seem that no matter what side of the schism a V.F.D. member is on, they are trained in the exact same codes, letting no one be entirely quite sure who is on whom’s side…”
> 
> — excerpt Chapter Nine: The Coded Language of the V.F.D., from _The Clear and Concise History of the V.F.D._ , compiled by B. Snicket. 

“I heard about the fire yesterday,” The nobleman said, with a feigned glimpse of pity in his eyes. “-the Baudelaires were upstanding people. As you can imagine, what with my investments in their company, I had to sell off quite a bit of my stock last week.” 

The portly banker nodded in uncomfortable surprise at the implication, but said nothing, hoping the Earl would continue. 

He did.

“I heard the children managed to survive, however.” His grace continued at length, inspecting his fob watch absently. 

“Indeed. What a grave misfortune to occur.” The smaller man simpered, adjusting his  Mulctuary Money Management nameplate. 

“The children surviving?” 

“-Oh no, the arson, Your Grace.” He quickly corrected, withdrawing his hands from the brass engraved stand. The banker pulled his handkerchief out of his front pocket, and dabbed his forehead, wiping away the sweat as best he could, before hacking loudly into the silk. 

“Mister Poe, that’s a wild accusation. It seems equally as likely to have been an accident.” the Earl replied, calmly snapping shut his watch, and placing it back in its pocket. 

“I-indeed, Your Grace. It is the most lugubrious thing to have happened in London all week, I might imagine. Absolutely devastating. A total tragedy—” Mister Poe scrambled, thick fingers twitching at the edge of his desk. He twined his wedding ring back and forth on his hand as he looked on enviously at the Earl’s stunning rings that decorated the longer, more elegant hands of the gentleman. 

The Earl’s hand went up to silence Poe the banker, and then settled back down at his side. The other man smiled, as if knowing exactly how much power he controlled. “You must have realized I didn’t come to chit chat, of course, Mister Poe. I thought I should supply you with this, seeing as how you have so admirably stepped forwards to act as the Baudelaire orphans’ executor.” He handed over a creamy file folder that Mister Poe took in his hands, and examined closely.

It was a Last Will and Testament of the Baudelaires. Whatever the Earl Phantomhive was doing with it, he didn’t know, and thought better of it than to ask. Poe coughed again into his kerchief, and then set it down to examine the pristine document. 

“With such heavy investments, in their company, they entrusted me with this. I thought it was rather thoughtful of them to do so. You’ll find it all here, they made specific arrangements to send the children to the most convenient place possible.”

Poe raised a brow. “Count Olaf’s? Is he, in fact, related to them?”

Vincent Phantomhive frowned. “I hadn’t the time to relentlessly examine the family tree. Supposedly he is a fourth cousin thrice removed, or some such, and he is a Count, at any rate. You can see why the Queen would have some marginal interest in this connection, don’t you, Mister Poe?” 

He did, but that didn’t alleviate his concern. “Suppose we send the children to their nearest living relative; this Count Olaf. Then we have regard in the matter of what he may be up to?”

Vincent smiled. “That would be all too clever of whomever set it up.”

Poe coughed once more, then gave a watery nod. “And the children,” 

“-Would be under the same watch. Little canaries singing in the coal mines.”

“I see.” Poe said calmly. “I suppose one must make the best of any misfortune.”

“Just so.” the Earl purred calmly. “I’m glad you have come to see the best course of action. You are of course, a very reasonable and amenable gentleman.”

“Of course.” Mister Poe said, feeling not in the least like he really had a choice in the matter. “I’ll tell the Baudelaire children straightaways.” 

“Excellent. I’ll leave the will with you.” the Earl said, standing up from his seat at the desk. Mister Poe followed suit, bowing awkwardly as he rose. Vincent smiled one last time, the sort of smile that reminded Mister Poe of the lions at the zoo before they were about to devour some poor creature.

“Oh, and one more thing, Mister Poe, before I leave; if you see hear anything strange, pay no heed. There simply isn’t a thing to be concerned about out there.”


End file.
